Giving criticism with grace
I’ve been a teacher for more than forty years. Where did the time go? It seems like yesterday I was a recent college graduate embarking upon my first teaching adventure and now I’m semi-retired. It’s been a lifelong learning experience for me and one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is--giving criticism with grace.
Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
We all appreciate recognition for a job well done–our children are no exception, thus it is important to praise our students when they are performing well. This we can do openly for others to see and hear. Unfortunately, at times, it is necessary to occasionally provide feedback to students that isn’t always positive. This type of communication is best done more quietly, not in front of the entire class.
The same concept applies to adults as well.
In 2014, I attended my first writer’s conference and was actively engaged in a Fiction Practicum (a writing class) taught by well known author and clinician, Eva Marie Everson. We knew in advance that our instructor and other students in the class would be critiquing our work. I expect everyone felt trepidation. Putting our work out for review felt somewhat like stepping into a nudist colony (not that I have ever done that). But, the awareness of exposing ourselves to an open review created anxious feelings in all our tummies.
Giving criticism with grace
We all brought samples of our writing and another member of the class was chosen to read. Eva Marie offered her critique first. She used the sandwich method–offer positive feedback, constructive criticism (delivered with grace), and more positive feedback. Eva Marie is a master of this technique. With quiet grace, delightful humor, and continued support, she found something positive to say to each of us, offered feedback to help us improve our writing, and finished with an encouraging comment to ease our fears. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief when our turn was completed.
Grace is a gift that keeps on giving
In September of this year, I again attended a Fiction Intensive Class with Eva Marie as our facilitator. She utilized her skill and grace to critique our work with amazing speed and excellence. Eva Marie has perfected the art of giving criticism with grace.
I want to be like her when I grow up!
The great news is we can all use this technique of providing criticism with loving grace. When communicating with our spouse, children, colleagues, neighbors, and church family, we can accomplish so much more if we use grace and encouragement rather than accusations or blame. In any conversation where we are trying to convey guidance, correction, or a change of behavior, the sandwich approach can set the stage for open and encouraging dialogue.
It seems that criticizing (without any grace) has become pervasive in our society. I’m not suggesting that we always agree with each other…
But wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could…
- Share feedback with grace rather than anger and hate?
- Encourage rather than attack?
- Recognize we are unique, have different viewpoints, but still respect each other?
- Love one another as our Savior intended us to do?
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34-35)
Many mentors throughout my long career of teaching shared their strategies for teaching with grace, love, and mercy. Another role model, Eva Marie Everson, through teaching and Word Weavers International, has demonstrated to thousands of aspiring authors how to share criticism with grace and encouragement. In spite of what media shows us on a daily basis, there is still much kindness in our world.
I pray we all can be the example of love Jesus calls us to be, as we spread grace, kindness, and encouragement to others.
Great wisdom here Ms. Katherine. Using the “Sandwich method” is so vitally important in all aspects of our lives. I’m sure many of your readers have heard the phrase, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar” and there’s much truth in that. It’s much easier to swallow a spoonful of honey than it is a spoonful of bitter vinegar. Both have its purpose, but God’s word teaches us that we should always avoid causing strife whenever possible. It took me years to understand the meaning of tact and learn to apply it in my life. Still learning those lessons from time-to-time I’m afraid. Loved your post ma’am. Well said author!
Yes, I photocopy JD’s comments. My Dad always used the flies/honey/vinegar quote and the sandwich method works well. As a teacher I tried my best to balance a “need for improvement “ comment with a positive one. Thanks Katherine for sharing your experiences.
Marilyn, we’ve had similar career experiences, I think, as teachers and we recognize that it’s not just the little ones who need positive reinforcement, kindness, and encouragement. High school and college students (and all of us adults) needs words of kindness, loving criticism, and encouragement all along our journey.
When my children were younger we watched Mary Poppins and the song comes to mind, “A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down.” So true–if we have something difficult to say (but really need to be said) kindness (sugar) will help the message be more easily heard and understood. Your analogy of the sugar and vinegar is apt–kindness and encouragement will “catch” more hearts and attention than grumpiness and malice. Like you, my friend, this has been a lifelong work for me–to be kinder in my words and actions–and I’m still learning lessons, too. The “sandwich method” allows that–sharing positive, then constructive criticism, then more positive reinforcement. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement, J.D.
Katherine, it seems there are so many critics out and about these days. I am joining you in this >> “I pray we all can be the example of love Jesus calls us to be, as we spread grace, kindness, and encouragement to others.” When we part ways with others, may they be able to say that even though we may not have agreed, we were gracious about it.
I agree, Joanne. I pray we all can be gracious, encouraging, and filled with grace in our interactions with others, especially during these contentious times. Hoping your week is filled with joy and blessings.
I join you in imagining this world where grace prevailed in our differences. When shared with a kind attitude, self-controlled tongue and great doses of grace, our corrections will be heard and, we pray, put into practice. I’ve asked myself how I want to be known, as one who gives harsh and critical responses or grace above all else. Writing fiction, as you well know, offers opportunity for others to crush or elevate our confidence. Sometimes the lack of grace is communicated with nothing but an insidious wrinkled frown. Many would-be writers have become so discouraged that they can’t finish their manuscripts. Thank you for sharing your experience, Katherine!
When we put words on paper, it’s not just words that are there–it’s our heart and soul, too. We write from where we are, from who we are, so a critique is personal to us. Those who share a harsh review or criticism of our work hammer us with blows that we feel deeply. It’s hard to recover from those painful experiences. And yes, you are right, Mary, some folks stop writing completely. Mentors such as Eva encourage us and give us the incentive to go on, to work harder, to write better. Those mentors, and Jesus with us on the journey, help us be who we are meant to be. Thank you, Mary.
I join you in imagining a world where we responded with grace. You and I well know as fiction authors how discouraging it is to receive critical feedback given with very little (or no) grace. Even a wordless frown can upend someone’s confidence. I shudder to think how many would-be writers never completed their manuscript because of the lack of grace! Thanks for this refreshing article, Katherine!
What a timely message! My article about the sovereign grace of God just posted yesterday. I pray we all extend grace to each other and show His love to all. Have a blessed day! 🙂
I join you in your prayer, Melissa. I hope we can all be role models for sharing grace. Wishing you joy and blessings.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful, indeed, if we all practiced this. Thank you for your timely reminder, Katherine.
Yes, wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we all practiced grace, kindness, and loving encouragement? It doesn’t mean we would approve of everything everyone did, but if we express our disagreement in more respectful and loving ways, I think we’d have much less discord and conflict. Wishing you a joyful week.
I loved this post. I find there is always more to learn about giving criticism with grace. It is always so much sweeter to be on the grace end! The nudist colony remark made me laugh. It was such a great illustration!!
Thank you for sending me a smile. Doesn’t it feel like we are throwing ourselves out to be measured and found lacking in some way when we pour ourselves into writing and then have it reviewed by “experts?” It’s almost as if we are asking for the punishment of a painful critique. But, thankfully God helps us pick up the pieces of our tattered pride and try again. Wishing you a blessed week, Sylvia.
What a winsome way to explain encouragement, Katherine. Your examples illustrate scriptural ways to help someone while showing respect and offering suggestions or criticism without dampening a person’s spirit. I love your bullet list of examples.
I’m so glad the message was meaningful for you, Jeannie. Kindness is such an important aspect of the love Jesus demonstrates to us. I pray we all may become more kind. You are such a wonderful role model of this trait. Thank you.
Even though I don’t always abide by it, I try to remember Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” I pray I can do this more and more. Thanks for this lesson, Katherine.
Thank you for sharing Colossians 4:6, Barbara. Such an important message for us! I pray I can do that, too. In our world today, if we all could be more kind, what a better place this would be for all. Wishing you peace and blessings, my friend.
Thank you for the great reminder and examples of communicating in grace. Grace is truly a gift to be re-gifted often.
I love your comments, Craig–“Grace is truly a gift to be re-gifted often.” That’s so true. If we stop to think how exponentially grace and kindness grow each time we share them, I believe we would be amazed–and so much more willing to exemplify those traits more often in our daily lives. May God continue to bless your ministry of service to Him.
Eva Marie is a wonderful writer, teacher, and mentor. May we all be more like her–especially in our presentations of criticism. Thanks for showing us a great model. God bless, Katherine.
I pray that we can be more like Eva Marie and our other role models who exemplify grace and kindness. I also pray that WE can be one of those role models, God’s special emissaries to share His love with others. Blessings!
So timely, Katherine. One of my elementary art classes is very challenging this year, and I’m trying very hard to find positive things to compliment them on, as well as wisdom as to how to correct those things that need to change. Your wisdom is helpful!
I’m praying for you, Kathy. I haven’t forgotten how hard it is to look for the positive when everything seems to be going wrong. I have confidence, you’ll win those troubled students over with you kindness, goodness, and loving, but firm expectations.
When I first joined Word Weavers, I too was hesitant to present my work for critique. Everyone was so encouraging though and offered their feedback with kindness. Now, I look forward to hearing what others think. They are truly helping me become a better writer, and I have learned from them how to offer gracious criticism.
Word Weavers is a loving, supportive group and Eva’s example of grace is visible in every meeting. That’s one characteristic that I really love about authors–they are so encouraging of one another. I’ve just discovered a Word Weaver’s group within driving distance and I’m so excited by the possibility of joining them. Thank you, Terri, and wishing you continued blessings on your writing journey.
Criticism given harshly often creates a memorable and lasting impact on us, but not usually one that is healthy. I always appreciate a challenge given with grace. Thank you, Katherine.
Your words are wise, Annie. Thank you for sharing your insight. We’ve probably all experienced harsh criticism (and sadly, probably delivered some, too). Wishing you a blessed week.
Beautifully stated, Katherine. Thank you for the reminder!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, LuAnn. Wishing you joy and blessings on the journey.